BEX
"I made it up, and it was kinda of at the start of my transition out of performing as a woman. I feel like, my name, my born name "Koreena"... I love my name Koreena, but it just like... It had so much, already written under the name ya know? There's a whole 17 billion lives I've lived under the name Koreena and I've felt the life the one I wanted to grow into, there was no room under that name for it." - Bex
HONOR
One of the most inspiring traits to Bex is their ability to honor all pieces that were once themselves, who they are in the present moment, and who they will become in the future. Authenticity takes honor; in order to honor who you are in this very present moment, one must honor the past. Without Koreena, Bex would not be here. Without Koreena, Bex would not have the courage to be fully themselves at the right moment when Bex was meant to be created and fully put to action. Koreena was not just a placeholder, but the protector of Bex in the mix of their creation when it was too frightening to appear. The selflessness of Koreena; holding steadfast for years, yet knowing one day she would no longer be here inside of this skin body, knowing one day she would be killed, but never forgotten. Koreena was okay with it because Bex is who this energy is supposed to be. Bex is revealed. Bex is fluid. Bex is loving.
And Bex is loved.
"Everybody you meet will have an idea of who you're supposed to be, or who they want you to be…
The only constant notion we have in life is change. Change is painful, but it is also incredibly beautiful. It is one of the conceptions in our lives that are inevitable, it speaks loudly even when it seems to be heard quietly. One domino makes a whole effect. One leaf on the still pond makes a million ripples. Why are we afraid of change, when it is undeniably irresistible from our constantly expanding universe. The only comfort we truly have is change. I asked Bex what their best advice would be to an individual who is struggling with identity, more specifically with sexuality and gender:
... and that will shape the way they treat you, the way they shape you, the way they talk to you, they way they behave around you and you really just need to center yourself, to really completely understand yourself, and to be grounded in who you are. And not let that authenticity be shifted by what somebody else wants. As soon as you do that you set an unhealthy boundary within yourself, that you will be something that you're not for somebody else. And the more you do that, the more comfortable you are with doing that." - Bex
Bex is a queer non-binary individual human being. For the ones who need a more clear definition let us introduce you into what non-binary entails:
Source: TRANSEQUALITY.ORG
*IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH COMING OUT, THEIR RIGHTS AS A LGBTQ+ MEMBER, OR NEEDS A SAFE ENVIRONMENT TO SEEK SUPPORT THE LINKS BELOW CAN HELP :
"It's impossible to be an advocate for yourself for something you don't know you need yet." -Bex
Both of Bex's parents were addicts of hard drugs, alcohol, and abusive relationships. Sometimes separately, or sometimes all at once. Bex explains how a big part of their young childhood was the sweet paradise smells of second hand smoke with the exclusive one of kind of a kind front row tickets to their home's second hand violence. Sometimes if you're home on just the right night you get to come up on stage and play a part...involuntarily.
"It does bleed through the whole household when someone has an addiction of any kind." - Bex
As Marcus Aurelius said "What affects the hive effects the bee".
As a constant witness of violence and addiction Bex's behavior outside the home was not outlandish, nor did Bex as a young child seem to cause issues to others despite the issues happening at home. Bex became the observer of life, almost as if they were manifesting what they wanted or wished they had at home for themselves without even knowing it as a young child. Watching other human behavior allowed them to question, "why did that person do that and the other did not?" Other people took young Bex's introspection inside their head as shyness, but really they were just observing others to try and make sense of their home life for their own survival; and maybe in some way to forgive and make sense of everything that has happened one day. In those present moments of observing other human behaviors it was intriguing yet soothing to see a different world everywhere they went by simply just sitting and observing.
In another sense it was a witness to human behavior just in a non-violent way. It was peaceful to watch this in action for young Bex. They had time to question human motions and thoughts, instead of thinking of survival or worry. They were able to not so much be in a fantasy world, but to be fully human and watch humans be themselves: peacefully, naturally, and comfortably.
Bex has expressed that their relationship with both of their parents is very complex, but they love them both and don't hold grudges against them for the mistakes they have made in the past. Bex also states they are close with their mom and that they talk everyday.
"They both love me and I love them" - Bex
OBSERVING FROM OUTSIDE OF THE BODY
When Bex was fourteen they got in an accident on a four wheeler out in Tennessee. As Bex explains it, "In Tennessee where they don't believe in helmets *chuckles*...I was driving a four wheeler without a helmet on." They pivitted onto a ditch and their entire body flipped off of the ATV onto a nice comfy bed of limestone rock. As one may imagine flipping off a ATV onto limestone rock could have been on one of Evil Knievel's bucket lists. Bex being thrown off the ATV was so insurmountable it blinded their eye completely through. They fractured their eye, skull, temporal lobes, and top of their neck.
"When that happened all the ego-statistical stuff just kinda fell off. I used to give so much effort into looking like the popular kid, and acting like the popular kid, and going along with what I thought was cool. I'm getting bullied, but I'm being shy about it because I didn't want to talk about it because I just wanted to be accepted." - Bex
Laying on the hot limestone, Bex embodied an experience that only a few percent of the world naturally experience usually when close or near to death, not because you took some weirdo drug at a festival, or you confuse some really good Italian dish with an out of body experience. This is Bex's out of body experience in their words:
" I had an out of body experience that paved the way for how I view life forever. It was sometime in the afternoon when I got in my wreck. And I laid on the ground and I remember trying to get myself up off the ground, but my arms had no strength. I remember moving my hands but I couldn't lift my body off the ground. I was conscious while this was happening at this point. And then, I became unconscious. And then I was conscious again. Then the second time my consciousness came back I heard, you know that 90's style material jogger outfit *makes wind-breaker pants rubbing noise*. I have a relative that lives on this property that I was running around on the four wheeler and he jogs everyday. And on this day in particular he decided he would jog in the opposite direction from where he normally does, which is interesting. Why on that day, I don't know. He found me on this jog. He came to me and said 'lay down, don't move, we are going to get you help, do not move". So, I just kinda let myself rest. And he ran back to his house. And sometime between there I had this out of body experience where I am about 15-20 feet away from where my body lie, and I'm looking down at my body. And I don't feel like I'm attached to my body at all in this moment. But I see things. I don't feel like I'm standing, I just see this perspective as if I were standing, but I wasn't. So I'm looking at myself, laying there and at first I remember thinking 'that's out of place, something's wrong' but I never grew to be like overly concerned or worried, or any of the things that you think you might be attached to in an ego. Like I never felt, 'Oh my God I have to do something!' I just felt 'that's different'. And my perspective went to the trees. And the mountains in Tennessee roll, like the mountains just roll forever. And I'm looking out at the trees, and I'm seeing the wind in between them and their moving like somebody dancing. Like they are all together in a connected way. And I saw them moving together, and the wind, the trees blowing around, and it was just so peaceful, and I didn't feel pain. Any pain at all. I didn't feel worry. If I could feel or explain what it's like to be a tree is what I felt like." - Bex
Energy cannot be created and it cannot be destroyed. If we look at our entire universe it is an enormous expansion of energy. Looking closer, now at our solar system with its planets and stars just closer together we are still energy. Get a tad bit zoomed in, we are now on planet Earth in which is a solid sphere of nothing but energy with other little balls of energy running around humming on it; they are called humans. If a human puts their hand under a powerful microscope they are able to see through it. This is because humans are made of atoms, and atoms are made of energy; Therefore, we are simply energy. Is it really that unbelievable that out of body experiences happen? If it is just a transfer of energy?
There is no mistake, no faking, no other explanation that Bex's out of body experience was their energy separating from their physical atomic skin body. The universe gave them this in between world to be in, just for a little bit to show them that it listens, it sees, it hears, it moves, and most importantly it thinks just like us.
After being airlifted from the limestone ground with soul intact Bex woke up in a hospital to some visitors. One might think with a fractured skull, a newly blind eye, and an out of body experience you wouldn't think of someone to ask, "hey... can we take a picture of your face? Everybody back at school wants to know what you look like! Oh!... and they also wanted to know how you're doing." As one might reply...
"HELL NO!" - Bex
Imagine, falling asleep with a fractured skull, an eye that you can no longer see out of for the rest of your life, as well as your face being swollen to the point where you look unrecognizable. Then, waking up and realizing a picture of you sleeping like that in the hospital has gone viral to all of your high school because apparently all the kids that bullied you were very concerned about your well-being! And would only be able to possibly know this information about you not by word of mouth like every other rumor they creatively brought to life, but through non consent of a taken photo. Oh, and don't forget the very best part! Your boyfriend told everyone at school that he broke up with you in the hospital. But you were very uninformed about this imaginary break up until after you got out of the hospital, wondering why your partner never showed up to visit.
The physical healing took about 6 to 7 months at home. Teachers were treating Bex differently, as in giving them the "okay" to the next grade even though they hadn't really done any work for the current grade they were in due to the wreck.
Along with any physical pain there is the emotional pain. The aftershocks seemed inaudible, but yet at the same time ungodly ear piercing. It's as if you don't hear the trauma until everything is hushed again. There is one thing Bex could always hear, see, touch, and taste, and it was art.
As a child Bex had a talent for drawing. Ironically their talent of drawing turned into a talent of portraits. If you follow Bex on Instagram a lot of their photography work consists of creative portrait work.
Photography: Bex MUA: Bex Model: Biancabillings
"There's a certain strength that shows through in the artwork that I've done done as a kid... it shows in my photography in the same way. It's like I'm right on par with the drawing that I used to do." - Bex
I have worked with a lot of photographers over years. The one thing that stood out to me the most about Bex as a photographer was their ability to ask a simple question. They simply asked me my reasoning behind my ideas for our photoshoot together and I thought to myself: "wow, how foreign this concept is that a photographer actually cares about what I want, or even acknowledges my emotions behind this project, or in simple terms cared to ask." Bex understands that a photoshoot is more than a planned time and date to get nice photos for an Instagram praise. When a photographer understands the colors, shapes, creatives process, of both people involved, the outcome becomes so much more raw and real: no matter how much makeup is involved, how high your heels are, how funky your position may look. Somehow Bex makes you feel truly authentic because they capture you while placing a part of them in the picture. The difference between a good and great photographer: A good photographer will show you a picture that can make you look amazing, but you will only see them and not you. A great photographer will show you a picture that is authentically you, and you will only see you and a flash of them surrounding you.
"I have definitely not done everything right. And have had challenges and have gotten through those, but hopefully you can listen to other people's stories. There definitely weren't stories of queer non-binary people from Tennessee when I was growing up. So! Hopefully more people talking about it will help other people." - Bex
I met Bex my junior year of college, specifically on my winter break for a photoshoot. Weirdly, in the middle of January it was a warm sunny day and luckily enough we were about to create art on a rooftop. The first time I met them it wasn't just warm outside, but the energy I felt from Bex was a bright beaming light. The current semester I was embodied in was emotionally draining, stressful, and to be straightforward this day was a safe haven for me. Photoshoots are what you make of it sometimes, and Bex and I were as if we were on the same creative wavelength in the warm unorthodox January sunrays. Little did we know those photos would be published in Fienfh magazine in Paris six months later...
